You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
