GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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