So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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