I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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