I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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