Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
