we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
