I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
