Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
