WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
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Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.