I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
