you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
