It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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