so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
