Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
