Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
