Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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