Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
