I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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