Your face is a jimmy john
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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