Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
