Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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