I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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