I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
