I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
