Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
