Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
