I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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