1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
