How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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