If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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