I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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