My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
