still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
