my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
