am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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