the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
