it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
