i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
