Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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