I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
