I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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