This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
