I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
