So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
