i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
