also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
