I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
