My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
