I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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