So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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