if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
