I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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