I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
