im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.