took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
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I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Randomize
