I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.