My Higher Power is John Stamos
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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