the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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