If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
