I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
